Why This Choice of a Title

Sometime in the vicinity of 1975/6 I visualized my life as a Soap Opera featuring a woman in her 40s going through an enlightenment and awakening from her prior life as a male dominated 50s' bride buying into the expectations of the era even though she was basically non-conforming, wild and free of much of society's preconceptions about marriage and family. Often angry and dissatisfied with her lot in life.

My 15 year marriage to my daughter's father had erupted into violence. After submitting to emotional abuse for much of the marriage I had finally stepped back and drawn a line I would no longer allow to be crossed. When it came to the feeling it was KILL or be KILLED I knew it was time to go.

My daughter and I moved out of the family home into rental property we owned. Frank and I granted Title to each other treating the properties as of equal value. He stayed in the home I'd known for 8 years, the home we had made together, the home where we were living when our daughter was born. I moved to Sunnyvale to an Eichler 3 bedroom, 2 bath home in a nice section of town near where I went to high school, a very nice neighborhood, completely fenced and gated with cherry trees and eucalyptus surrounding the house. Karin now had neighbor children to occupy her free time. I found the house a bit 'dark'.

While the house was 'nice' and adequate for the two of us I longed for something 'lighter' in feel and more prestigious. I soon found the house on Metler Court with a large yard and swimming pool. Lots of light streaming into the southerly facing living room. Karin attended Harker Academy as a commuting student so neighborhood really didn't matter. This one was a good one however. Upper middle class Saratoga, children she could socialize with and definitely a neighborhood where property values would escalate. Since I had recently been promoted to my position as Fiscal Officer of the Department of Social Services I had the income to afford this new location.

Life was good. I met Albert and began a lifelong relationship with a gentle, thoughtful, respectful, loving younger man. Barriers to intimacy existed in the form of distance (both age and geographically). Albert introduced me to Puerto Rican cuisine, refreshed my ability to speak and understand the Spanish language I'd learned years before. Albert was a thoughtful and courageous lover and a great father figure for Karin. We still 'loved' each other when he came to an untimely end in 2004. There are emotional connections that never end, no matter what circumstances come along in the meantime. The sexual intimacy of our relationship lasted until 1978 when circumstances intervened and the 'green eyed monster' reared its ugly head. The last time I spent any time with Albert was 2003 in Susanville where I stayed overnight and cooked him a birthday dinner after tidying up his living quarters. He assured me that he had not cheated on me back in 1978 even though I truly believed he had and that he still had a great Love for me after all the years. By this time he was in a committed relationship with Pam, soon to become his 3rd wife and the Angel who took care of him as he died from a brain tumor.

The next romantic relationship I entered into was with a co-worker. Our relationship covered the period between 1978 and 1996 with bouts of separation because of a 2nd marriage and other love interests from time to time. It was a relationship of release and convenience. Rationally based yet loving in its own way. I must say that my time with him inspired a lot of poetry focusing on unrequited love. At the end of George's life we lived together briefly as the Lymphoma took over the disabling of his body and his brain.

I am a Serial Monogamist. While staying committed to one relationship at a time my relationships have not been enduring ones consuming my entire being. For the most part I can sustain an interest for 6 months to 3 years. There have been exceptions to that observation, however. While in a relationship I am fully involved and committed and tend to overlook the fatal flaws.

Bill and I met on a Photographic Field Trip sponsored by UCSC. The mutual attraction was almost immediate. Basically peers with like professional interests and each with a passion for photography we made a fairly compatible couple. Marriage was not to be the ultimate relationship. We tried it for a year but couldn't overcome the stress of merging 2 families, getting along with each others daughter, each others daily expectations. In spite of the fact that living together wasn't for us we maintained an on again off again relationship from 1979-2004. It was basically political differences that finally came between us. Our relationship had been platonic for 8 years and the stress of that finally got to him as well.

My focus in the 90s was Michael. A State Analyst visiting the County Program Coordinator in 1976, we met quite casually and made an instant connection. He was young and fascinated with my womanhood and my legs. I was surprised by his interest. It wasn't until 1990-1991 that we really got into each other. Racial differences were thrown aside and we actually considered marriage. He figured he could give me 5 years but his ultimate goal was to father a child and that was now out of the question for me. Being a relationship controlled by distance - Sacramento vs Saratoga, it wasn't an all consuming togetherness unless you talk about the mind connection. We are still close friends today and frequently talk about what could have been, what possibly should have been. The hope is still there that we can recapture that sweet and satisfying intimacy we once had.

Post Menopause and Age have really slowed down the pace of the Soap Opera. Still going for the geographical solutions by moving every few years but basically happy with no man in my life and still plenty of drama from other sources.