Friends and Friendship

I’m not sure I’ve ever really known how to do this. Shy and reluctant to open up to intimacy in any situation, unsure of expectations, how to interpret them and how to utilize them and perhaps I am unsure of the role of expectations.

My therapist of the 80s, once told me I didn’t know how to utilize my friendships. He offered to teach me what friendship is all about but I was confused about what he might be offering and didn’t pursue what could possibly have improved my life considerably. I will say however that the friendships I have made since the 80s have been deeper and more meaningful than many of the earlier friendships.

During my adult life my friendships were determined by my work environment and by my marital situation. Our friends were basically friends Frank knew from high school or from work and their spouses. I was not encouraged to bring my friends into the household and in fact the only close college friendship I formed was rebuffed when Frank apparently felt threatened by the intellects of Tom and Judy. It was pretty clear to me that I wanted different things in my friendships than what he was used to. To get along, I went along, putting Frank’s wishes first.

Gary - lost in time
The first friendship I recall was with my 5 year old neighbor. He and I walked to school together and played together. We were boy and girlfriend for most of the growing up years until my family moved from Oildale to Vallejo and I didn’t see or hear from him again except... My brother-in-law Oscar met him in Boot Camp at Camp Pendleton in the 50s and he told Oscar he knew us! Should have reconnected back then just for the fun of it but...

Diane - present
My first best girlfriend forever. We met at age 10 and remain friends to this day. In the early days it was two young girls moving toward adolescence. Frogs, sticks, imagination, exploration of the percolation pond filled with cattails. Then I moved away from daily contact and we corresponded through high school. I was her bridal attendant when she and Jim married. The visits changed but we remained good friends. Separation of 15 years occurred around 1976 over hurt my feelings when her husband was intolerant of my lifestyle. In 1991 I/we overcame that separation and renewed the intimacy of like minds sharing memories and experiences. We shared the experience of a cross country Road Trip through the Southwest to Broken Arrow, Oklahoma where we spent a few days with her mother and sister, exploring the museums and botanical gardens and neighborhoods of Tulsa. The trip took us on to her father’s gravesite in Heavener, Oklahoma, and through the middle of Texas, southern New Mexico and Arizona and back to Bakersfield. We were compatible partners on the road and had a great trip in the pickup with camper. Diane stuck with her husband to the end as caregiver for the man who was no longer there. After retirement I managed an annual visit and over 4 days could renew that close feeling of 2 compatriots sharing life's journey. The friendship is no longer close enough to suit me these days with no more annual visits, just phone calls once a month or so, yet it is still close enough to satisfy the basics of being BGFF.

Bob - deceased
I sometimes think of Bob as the best girlfriend I ever had. I felt a great affection toward him and could easily have had a romantic relationship as well, had he not been gay and unavailable. As it was we shared our deepest thoughts about life and love and happiness. Bob inspired poetry. Bob inspired respect and admiration. Bob even made me aware of my judgmental concern over his gay lifestyle. He was honored for his contribution to the community. Memorable dates with Bob were the Crab Fest at Presentation High School where we ‘posed’ as Karin’s parents and followed up the night with a quick visit to a gay bar so that I could see his 'scene’ and the San Jose Opera Fund Raiser at Germania Hall in San Jose, where we dressed up and ate Italian while being serenaded with Opera Arias by the Operatic baritones, tenors, sopranos and mezzo sopranos of that season. This single experience opened Opera to me as a living reenactment of memorable stories.

Phyllis - alienated
Leo Medeiros introduced us and at his insistence Phyllis became the one of the 3 supervisory staff reporting to me at D.S.S. I wasn’t quite ready for the volatility of her supervisory style but we formed a great team and became personal friends. Phyllis always told me she considered me a mentor but she did have her reservations about my management style. We were unequal participants within our friendship - she spread herself thinly--I have a solitary approach to friends and she had a wide circle of various levels of friendship. She cried on my shoulder when she couldn’t spend holidays with her married lover. She kicked me in the butt when I whimpered over some asshole’s lack of respect or consideration of my feelings. She saw my 2nd husband for what he was yet supported my intense desire to be married to him. Phyllis and I parted ways in 1995/6. I’ve never been sure of the reason, but of the two I’ve come up with she doesn’t come out looking mature and reasonable. I have always regretted the loss of her friendship.

Jean - alienated
The fiery, red headed Program Manager I met in 1975 when I hired onto D.S.S. as a Senior Accountant. Jean and her husband Jim were ‘interesting’ on a social basis. My friendship however was with Jean in the work environment. As managers we shared some experiences with dysfunctional administrators and with coworkers, some experiences at management retreats and although I was never totally open and comfortable with her we did share stories of what mattered most to us. I suspect that she and her husband were ‘swingers’ as I felt like prey when sharing a hot tub with them in the 90s. Contact with her ceased when they moved to Washington state and told me they’d broken off contact with the ‘past’ and all associations with Santa Clara County. Unable to understand yet willing to accept her ‘decision’ I walked away hurt and confused.

Evelyn - alienated
I met Evelyn through her association with Phyllis. At first I found her a bit too ‘prissy’ for me but I soon got over that and Evelyn and I had some ‘good times’. We took a trip with Karin to Ashland for the Shakespeare Festival and a trip to Mendocino for a Thanksgiving weekend followed by a trip to the Mud Baths at Calistoga. Always up for a good time and experienced with picking up men in bars. She taught me some bad habits I’d love to just forget and yet she loosened some of my inhibitions about relationships. I regret having lost her friendship. Time and difference and personal changes just seemed to get in the way and perhaps I expected too much of her.

Jennifer - deceased
I hired Jennifer in 1986 as my part time accountant at the City of Saratoga. We hit it off right away. She stepped into the breach and brought strengths to the department where I had weaknesses. We had a wonderful friendship/association across cultural barriers in spite of some disappointment and stress I put her through in 1995. Jennifer died prematurely of Ovarian Cancer. Her family’s attitude toward me upon her death made clear to me just how much she valued me and I realized how much I valued her. Regrettably I failed to take her up on the offer of visiting her in Beijing. I know I would have loved it and that she and David would have made it well worth my while. A very sad occasion for grief and mourning the loss of someone who shared many workday experiences with me.

Jean - present
Jean was my boss’ secretary at the City of Saratoga. Our closeness began when I asked her to sponsor/partner with me in my journey through R.C.I.A. What was involved with that was a 6 month once a week experience of the conversion process at St Lucy’s Mission in Campbell, California. Father Christopher Bennett, Sister Rosalie, Father Mark acted as guides for the 50 or so converts in 1991/2. After that process Jean and I remained friends and when I got myself into a serious fix and retired earlier than expected she was very supportive. Jean’s husband Bob is currently in Hospice with terminal Prostate Cancer. I feel inadequate to help her at this time yet quite sympathetic of her situation in dealing with the grief of losing her lifelong love.

Willa - present
The most present and current valued friend. I have 2nd thoughts about making that decision to move away from what was a comfortable daily experience of our friendship. Willa is thoughtful and interested in my welfare. We are compatible in many ways and yet respect our differences as well. It was Willa who helped me to make my 70th Birthday a very special event. It was Willa who teaches me what friendship is all about. I have visited her twice since leaving Vancouver and we plan a weekend in Florence, Oregon, when we get around to it. While the dogs are a strong connection we have also shared many emotional experiences and will be friends for a lifetime.

Patti O - present
Interesting the way we met as former high school classmates and now compatriots on our journey through life as independent, strong, single women, leaning toward the arts. We’ve had some good short visits and shared a road trip from Idaho to Washington when she came north to visit with family at her son’s wedding. Still exploring the common interests that we share. I am very comfortable sharing secrets of the heart with Patti.

Cory - present
Now where do I start? I look forward to every moment spent watching movies, playing chess, traveling the road, cooking something to share, talking about meaningful issues. Cory brings an interesting generational perspective to my life experience and has expanded my social base by introducing me to interesting and compatible people. In many respects I consider him a Soul Mate. We are spiritually tuned in to each other to an extent I have not experienced before in 70 years of friendship, romance, marriage, parenthood. As Cory comes and goes in his world travels I believe this will be a long term friendship unaffected by time and place.

Donald - present
Outspoken, judgmental, spoiled, funny, critical, appreciative, affectionate in a remote way. A man my age, interested in me as a person. Don and I began our friendship with Christmas Dinner at Eastfield McMenamins. On our first date Don drove us to dinner and picked up the tab after telling me to order ‘whatever I want’ (no limitations - I ordered Venison). We explored the world of photography together. Many photo shoots on a day trip basis. We both seemed to enjoy the same photographic subjects and were both content to shoot from the car window when the occasion arose. Don flew to San Jose when Frank died so that I would have a travelling companion on the lonesome return road trip. 5 years later (now 400 miles distance between us) we contact each other on a daily basis through email. We have considered the possibility of a rendezvous somewhere midway between Vancouver and Arcata.

Michael - present
Long time friend and lover, ever present in my heart and in my mind. I’ve always wished for an even closer friendship with Michael. We are at a mature point in our lives where intimacy is mutually desirable but not necessarily feasible due to responsibility and distance. I don’t know where it all goes from here. I do know that after 35 years the flame still burns brightly.

Albert, Alfred, Henry, George - all deceased
All friends of the opposite sex and former lovers who sustained my interest for varying lengths of time. Who says men and women can’t be friends? I knew each of them for 20 years and more and each of them added insight and understanding to my perception of life. We related to each other as reasonable, considerate, loving friends long after the flames died out.

Bill - alienated
Once I was madly in love and married to him in what I thought would be a forever thing. Now I acknowledge that in addition to his sweet moments he was immature, self-absorbed, critical with mostly self-interest ever present in any relationship he formed. Bill had a volatile temper and was easily miffed. His choice was to walk away when issues arose. I stuck it out with Bill for 25 years of sometimes friendly association. Our main shared interest was photography and we enjoyed eating out at the Casinos while living in Nevada. Our last brief (4 year) association ended with Nevada where I came to the conclusion we simply did not share compatible values and when I called him out on some of his ‘stuff’ he declared the friendship OVER for good. Since then there was a single contact in 2005 when Karin’s father died.

Amber - present
A new friend and even though I’ve known her a year I’m not sure where she fits into my life. I am wary. Not at all the type of person I would have sought out for friendship. Age, philosophical differences, maturity, goals, personality traits -- not a lot in common here. I have difficulty with what I consider to be her controlling nature. She has exposed me to the 'green' philosophy prevailing in Humboldt County.

Lauren - present
Also a new friend and acquaintance. I see some definite possibilities for connectedness with Patrick, Mariah and Lauren. Pleasant, hospitable, caring, with some joint interests and through the connection with Cory. Lauren is a probable resource for making additional friends and expanding my interests into the available recreational and social activities of Humboldt County. Lauren is a busy, busy person always into something new and exciting.

Susan - present
Susan and I share a December birthday, one day and 10 years distant. Generous, thoughtful and giving. Poetic and musical with some common experience of time and place. Susan wrote a wonderful tribute for my 70th birthday party. It will become part of Seen From the Outside. We barely keep in touch through email and Facebook. I will remember her at birthdays and holidays and encourage her pursuits. There is a definite connection even though we are separated by 400 miles.

Eleanor
Long term acquaintance and friend. Met her at Social Services in the 70s. Eleanor is a loyal friend even though our friendship has been rocky from time to time. I try to see her each time I visit Santa Clara County, which isn't all that often anymore. I chafe under the control issues she brings up for me. Her perspectives are interesting though.