Robin Nestle

Robin entered my consciousness in 1986/87. Long term friend of Karin she quickly became a sweet and helpful person to have hanging around the house. Quiet, intellectual, non-confrontational. Another example of a College Age female to provide some cultural context for whatever Karin is going through.

Robin moved in with Karin and I once we’d moved to the townhouse on Pollard Road. Her parents were moving to Thousand Oaks and she wasn’t quite ready to be on her own. Her dad contributed to room and board and Robin was now included in the family routine. She was a good addition to that daily routine. Helped a bit around the house but didn’t contribute a large footprint to my internal space.

Karin soon went off to College and Robin was there to fill the vacuum left by no daughter in the house anymore. We socialized some and talked over dinner, shared the household tasks and formed a friendship that was almost a surrogate/foster mother sort of thing. Robin had grown up without the maternal support of her natural mother. I was happy to provide whatever I could.

As time went by Robin and I found a mutual interest in road trips and camping. We had a marvelous time camping at Sonora Pass with She’s a Pepper, my Brittany Bitch. We slept on a tarp under the stars and swam in the Walker River with the dog. This became something we could do for entertainment from time to time. We visited Ashland together and camped out at Crater Lake. Later we camped at Zion with Nellie and Bob the cat.

As I developed an interest in running she stepped up as my occasional running partner. I’m sure I would have been a lot better off had she been my regular partner instead of the co-dependent running relationship with Joe. Robin was a supportive friend always interested in my personal welfare.

Robin attended Alanon meetings with me and considered the RCIA route as I made my religious conversion in 1991. After Robin’s marriage to Tom and then to Ben we remained close friends and still went on a couple of trips together.

I miss Robin now that she is so busy with the traumas of life. Losing her father and her sister in 2009 has been a terrible emotional stresspoint for her.

Friends and Friendship

I’m not sure I’ve ever really known how to do this. Shy and reluctant to open up to intimacy in any situation, unsure of expectations, how to interpret them and how to utilize them and perhaps I am unsure of the role of expectations.

My therapist of the 80s, once told me I didn’t know how to utilize my friendships. He offered to teach me what friendship is all about but I was confused about what he might be offering and didn’t pursue what could possibly have improved my life considerably. I will say however that the friendships I have made since the 80s have been deeper and more meaningful than many of the earlier friendships.

During my adult life my friendships were determined by my work environment and by my marital situation. Our friends were basically friends Frank knew from high school or from work and their spouses. I was not encouraged to bring my friends into the household and in fact the only close college friendship I formed was rebuffed when Frank apparently felt threatened by the intellects of Tom and Judy. It was pretty clear to me that I wanted different things in my friendships than what he was used to. To get along, I went along, putting Frank’s wishes first.

Gary - lost in time
The first friendship I recall was with my 5 year old neighbor. He and I walked to school together and played together. We were boy and girlfriend for most of the growing up years until my family moved from Oildale to Vallejo and I didn’t see or hear from him again except... My brother-in-law Oscar met him in Boot Camp at Camp Pendleton in the 50s and he told Oscar he knew us! Should have reconnected back then just for the fun of it but...

Diane - present
My first best girlfriend forever. We met at age 10 and remain friends to this day. In the early days it was two young girls moving toward adolescence. Frogs, sticks, imagination, exploration of the percolation pond filled with cattails. Then I moved away from daily contact and we corresponded through high school. I was her bridal attendant when she and Jim married. The visits changed but we remained good friends. Separation of 15 years occurred around 1976 over hurt my feelings when her husband was intolerant of my lifestyle. In 1991 I/we overcame that separation and renewed the intimacy of like minds sharing memories and experiences. We shared the experience of a cross country Road Trip through the Southwest to Broken Arrow, Oklahoma where we spent a few days with her mother and sister, exploring the museums and botanical gardens and neighborhoods of Tulsa. The trip took us on to her father’s gravesite in Heavener, Oklahoma, and through the middle of Texas, southern New Mexico and Arizona and back to Bakersfield. We were compatible partners on the road and had a great trip in the pickup with camper. Diane stuck with her husband to the end as caregiver for the man who was no longer there. After retirement I managed an annual visit and over 4 days could renew that close feeling of 2 compatriots sharing life's journey. The friendship is no longer close enough to suit me these days with no more annual visits, just phone calls once a month or so, yet it is still close enough to satisfy the basics of being BGFF.

Bob - deceased
I sometimes think of Bob as the best girlfriend I ever had. I felt a great affection toward him and could easily have had a romantic relationship as well, had he not been gay and unavailable. As it was we shared our deepest thoughts about life and love and happiness. Bob inspired poetry. Bob inspired respect and admiration. Bob even made me aware of my judgmental concern over his gay lifestyle. He was honored for his contribution to the community. Memorable dates with Bob were the Crab Fest at Presentation High School where we ‘posed’ as Karin’s parents and followed up the night with a quick visit to a gay bar so that I could see his 'scene’ and the San Jose Opera Fund Raiser at Germania Hall in San Jose, where we dressed up and ate Italian while being serenaded with Opera Arias by the Operatic baritones, tenors, sopranos and mezzo sopranos of that season. This single experience opened Opera to me as a living reenactment of memorable stories.

Phyllis - alienated
Leo Medeiros introduced us and at his insistence Phyllis became the one of the 3 supervisory staff reporting to me at D.S.S. I wasn’t quite ready for the volatility of her supervisory style but we formed a great team and became personal friends. Phyllis always told me she considered me a mentor but she did have her reservations about my management style. We were unequal participants within our friendship - she spread herself thinly--I have a solitary approach to friends and she had a wide circle of various levels of friendship. She cried on my shoulder when she couldn’t spend holidays with her married lover. She kicked me in the butt when I whimpered over some asshole’s lack of respect or consideration of my feelings. She saw my 2nd husband for what he was yet supported my intense desire to be married to him. Phyllis and I parted ways in 1995/6. I’ve never been sure of the reason, but of the two I’ve come up with she doesn’t come out looking mature and reasonable. I have always regretted the loss of her friendship.

Jean - alienated
The fiery, red headed Program Manager I met in 1975 when I hired onto D.S.S. as a Senior Accountant. Jean and her husband Jim were ‘interesting’ on a social basis. My friendship however was with Jean in the work environment. As managers we shared some experiences with dysfunctional administrators and with coworkers, some experiences at management retreats and although I was never totally open and comfortable with her we did share stories of what mattered most to us. I suspect that she and her husband were ‘swingers’ as I felt like prey when sharing a hot tub with them in the 90s. Contact with her ceased when they moved to Washington state and told me they’d broken off contact with the ‘past’ and all associations with Santa Clara County. Unable to understand yet willing to accept her ‘decision’ I walked away hurt and confused.

Evelyn - alienated
I met Evelyn through her association with Phyllis. At first I found her a bit too ‘prissy’ for me but I soon got over that and Evelyn and I had some ‘good times’. We took a trip with Karin to Ashland for the Shakespeare Festival and a trip to Mendocino for a Thanksgiving weekend followed by a trip to the Mud Baths at Calistoga. Always up for a good time and experienced with picking up men in bars. She taught me some bad habits I’d love to just forget and yet she loosened some of my inhibitions about relationships. I regret having lost her friendship. Time and difference and personal changes just seemed to get in the way and perhaps I expected too much of her.

Jennifer - deceased
I hired Jennifer in 1986 as my part time accountant at the City of Saratoga. We hit it off right away. She stepped into the breach and brought strengths to the department where I had weaknesses. We had a wonderful friendship/association across cultural barriers in spite of some disappointment and stress I put her through in 1995. Jennifer died prematurely of Ovarian Cancer. Her family’s attitude toward me upon her death made clear to me just how much she valued me and I realized how much I valued her. Regrettably I failed to take her up on the offer of visiting her in Beijing. I know I would have loved it and that she and David would have made it well worth my while. A very sad occasion for grief and mourning the loss of someone who shared many workday experiences with me.

Jean - present
Jean was my boss’ secretary at the City of Saratoga. Our closeness began when I asked her to sponsor/partner with me in my journey through R.C.I.A. What was involved with that was a 6 month once a week experience of the conversion process at St Lucy’s Mission in Campbell, California. Father Christopher Bennett, Sister Rosalie, Father Mark acted as guides for the 50 or so converts in 1991/2. After that process Jean and I remained friends and when I got myself into a serious fix and retired earlier than expected she was very supportive. Jean’s husband Bob is currently in Hospice with terminal Prostate Cancer. I feel inadequate to help her at this time yet quite sympathetic of her situation in dealing with the grief of losing her lifelong love.

Willa - present
The most present and current valued friend. I have 2nd thoughts about making that decision to move away from what was a comfortable daily experience of our friendship. Willa is thoughtful and interested in my welfare. We are compatible in many ways and yet respect our differences as well. It was Willa who helped me to make my 70th Birthday a very special event. It was Willa who teaches me what friendship is all about. I have visited her twice since leaving Vancouver and we plan a weekend in Florence, Oregon, when we get around to it. While the dogs are a strong connection we have also shared many emotional experiences and will be friends for a lifetime.

Patti O - present
Interesting the way we met as former high school classmates and now compatriots on our journey through life as independent, strong, single women, leaning toward the arts. We’ve had some good short visits and shared a road trip from Idaho to Washington when she came north to visit with family at her son’s wedding. Still exploring the common interests that we share. I am very comfortable sharing secrets of the heart with Patti.

Cory - present
Now where do I start? I look forward to every moment spent watching movies, playing chess, traveling the road, cooking something to share, talking about meaningful issues. Cory brings an interesting generational perspective to my life experience and has expanded my social base by introducing me to interesting and compatible people. In many respects I consider him a Soul Mate. We are spiritually tuned in to each other to an extent I have not experienced before in 70 years of friendship, romance, marriage, parenthood. As Cory comes and goes in his world travels I believe this will be a long term friendship unaffected by time and place.

Donald - present
Outspoken, judgmental, spoiled, funny, critical, appreciative, affectionate in a remote way. A man my age, interested in me as a person. Don and I began our friendship with Christmas Dinner at Eastfield McMenamins. On our first date Don drove us to dinner and picked up the tab after telling me to order ‘whatever I want’ (no limitations - I ordered Venison). We explored the world of photography together. Many photo shoots on a day trip basis. We both seemed to enjoy the same photographic subjects and were both content to shoot from the car window when the occasion arose. Don flew to San Jose when Frank died so that I would have a travelling companion on the lonesome return road trip. 5 years later (now 400 miles distance between us) we contact each other on a daily basis through email. We have considered the possibility of a rendezvous somewhere midway between Vancouver and Arcata.

Michael - present
Long time friend and lover, ever present in my heart and in my mind. I’ve always wished for an even closer friendship with Michael. We are at a mature point in our lives where intimacy is mutually desirable but not necessarily feasible due to responsibility and distance. I don’t know where it all goes from here. I do know that after 35 years the flame still burns brightly.

Albert, Alfred, Henry, George - all deceased
All friends of the opposite sex and former lovers who sustained my interest for varying lengths of time. Who says men and women can’t be friends? I knew each of them for 20 years and more and each of them added insight and understanding to my perception of life. We related to each other as reasonable, considerate, loving friends long after the flames died out.

Bill - alienated
Once I was madly in love and married to him in what I thought would be a forever thing. Now I acknowledge that in addition to his sweet moments he was immature, self-absorbed, critical with mostly self-interest ever present in any relationship he formed. Bill had a volatile temper and was easily miffed. His choice was to walk away when issues arose. I stuck it out with Bill for 25 years of sometimes friendly association. Our main shared interest was photography and we enjoyed eating out at the Casinos while living in Nevada. Our last brief (4 year) association ended with Nevada where I came to the conclusion we simply did not share compatible values and when I called him out on some of his ‘stuff’ he declared the friendship OVER for good. Since then there was a single contact in 2005 when Karin’s father died.

Amber - present
A new friend and even though I’ve known her a year I’m not sure where she fits into my life. I am wary. Not at all the type of person I would have sought out for friendship. Age, philosophical differences, maturity, goals, personality traits -- not a lot in common here. I have difficulty with what I consider to be her controlling nature. She has exposed me to the 'green' philosophy prevailing in Humboldt County.

Lauren - present
Also a new friend and acquaintance. I see some definite possibilities for connectedness with Patrick, Mariah and Lauren. Pleasant, hospitable, caring, with some joint interests and through the connection with Cory. Lauren is a probable resource for making additional friends and expanding my interests into the available recreational and social activities of Humboldt County. Lauren is a busy, busy person always into something new and exciting.

Susan - present
Susan and I share a December birthday, one day and 10 years distant. Generous, thoughtful and giving. Poetic and musical with some common experience of time and place. Susan wrote a wonderful tribute for my 70th birthday party. It will become part of Seen From the Outside. We barely keep in touch through email and Facebook. I will remember her at birthdays and holidays and encourage her pursuits. There is a definite connection even though we are separated by 400 miles.

Eleanor
Long term acquaintance and friend. Met her at Social Services in the 70s. Eleanor is a loyal friend even though our friendship has been rocky from time to time. I try to see her each time I visit Santa Clara County, which isn't all that often anymore. I chafe under the control issues she brings up for me. Her perspectives are interesting though.

First Day of Spring

It was a Saturday just like today, the first day of Spring 1982. It all came to a close when mom took her last breath around 11 a.m.

She had been in Intensive Care at Kaiser for the past month. Respiratory Failure as a result of late term Myasthenia Gravis. Mom wasn’t yet 62 years old.

I was there alone at the last and fortunately her death was quite peaceful. I was ‘prepared’ or at least thought that I was ready. What sticks with me though is the abandonment I felt as she withdrew her hand from my grasp there at the very end of it all. She was deep in a coma and although the act was purely random it stuck with me as the ultimate abandonment by a mother whose Love I had always questioned.

It was a blessing to see dad tenderly kiss her and goodbye. Their love had endured even though it wasn’t the easiest experience for either of them.

Now the formalities. The filing of the Death Certificate with its statement of facts, the arranging for mortuary services, the phoning of family and friends. Although it hadn’t been planned I insisted on a Memorial Service and arranged it myself following dad’s wishes. I talked Albert into reading the Eulogy I prepared and preparing a funeral sermon. More attendees than I expected and then the family gathering at my brother’s house. It was all very ‘tidy’.

The healing process was to take many years. Unresolved issues between mom and myself prevented closure for nearly 7 years. Finally with counseling advice and reading up on Grief Management I wrote a letter to my mother asking her forgiveness of my oversights, lack of compassion and understanding, and my disrespect.

I miss my mom. I miss her cooking. I miss her sense of humor. Hell, I even miss the agitation she caused to well up in me from time to time. Life is never the same once the person who shared your birth has left the planet.

Michael

He entered my consciousness quietly enough, a tall, dark, handsome Professional. A Program Analyst assigned to monitor Santa Clara County’s compliance with Program regulations. His main contact was the county’s program manager. He wanted to meet the Finance Officer.

As we sat in my office I was semi conscious of his interest. I had fantastic legs and they caught his eye right away. I remember him asking “where do you go to dance“. My response, “How could I possibly know that? I am a Mother.”

One night he waited for me to exit the building. Before he could approach me I walked over and chatted then told him I was carpooling with Jean and needed to get along. He never got out the invitation for dinner and/or a drink but now I at least knew he had an interest in me.

I seem to attract shy men who just can’t say what it is they want. And, if Michael had declared his interest at that time I might have rebuffed him anyway. I was quite slow about getting my head around a relationship with him. Although I had already crossed the color line with Albert I wasn’t sure I could handle an interracial relationship.

Another time he called me at home from Sacramento. I had not given him my phone number. He asked about coming down to see me. I went along with the plan then drug it out and didn’t give him my address or directions to my house.

On his monthly visits to the County and at my CWDA meetings in Sacramento we saw each other over lunch, dinner and drinks. Finally in 1979 I was hooked. His eyes, his mind, his interest all charmed me into acceptance of the idea I wanted a sexual relationship with this younger man. As we ‘made out’ in my room at the Sacramento Inn I pushed it a step further and we consummated our relationship. 30 years later I remember all the details, what we said to each other, the perfect fit and pleasure of that brief denouement.

A brief (one year) marriage to Bill then I was no longer working for the County. I sent Michael a letter and the game of seduction was once again ON. Our furnaces were still stoked but the relationship moved along platonically with lots of flirting on the phone and wishing we lived closer to each other. Neither of us was interested in a long distance relationship. An occasional dinner here or there (El Torito in Concord, his favorite café in Sacramento), his attendance at my annual Christmas Party in 1982 and finally an overnight visit to his home in Sacramento in 1986 where we reacquainted ourselves with each other’s bodies. The sex was always HOT and satisfying but wasn’t enough to bring us together for the bigger picture.

Michael invited me to vacation with him in Hawaii -- I wasn’t up to the idea of going. I invited him to go with me to Ashland -- Michael had other commitments. Playing at a relationship but never really getting down to business.

Then the 90s rolled around. Each of us was finally ready to declare our feelings for each other after a mere 10+ years of skirting the issue. We saw each other often enough to convince me I wanted a 3rd husband. We discussed it in view of the larger picture - his ultimate goals and my immediate situation (career and family commitments). We set aside the intensity of our feelings for each other and followed separate paths, even though the attraction has never waned.

Our last intimate moments occurred in 1995 when Michael visited me in Los Gatos as I was packing to move from the Townhouse and into an RV. We toured San Juan Bautista and had a delicious meal at a Mexican Restaurant before returning to my bed for another memorable night that will last a lifetime for me.

A few years later he called to let me know he was getting married. He would finally have the child he wanted. That marriage is now a thing of the past.

From time to time we see each other, recall what we had (or didn’t have) and consider releasing the lust to take us where it will. In 1997, 2004 and 2007 I had excuses. The issue of mutual desire really didn’t come up in 2009. And even though the ‘plan’ is for us to rendezvous in Mendocino in 2010 I wonder if it will happen at all.

Has this relationship with Michael been just a romanticized, overblown fantasy for both of us?

Why This Choice of a Title

Sometime in the vicinity of 1975/6 I visualized my life as a Soap Opera featuring a woman in her 40s going through an enlightenment and awakening from her prior life as a male dominated 50s' bride buying into the expectations of the era even though she was basically non-conforming, wild and free of much of society's preconceptions about marriage and family. Often angry and dissatisfied with her lot in life.

My 15 year marriage to my daughter's father had erupted into violence. After submitting to emotional abuse for much of the marriage I had finally stepped back and drawn a line I would no longer allow to be crossed. When it came to the feeling it was KILL or be KILLED I knew it was time to go.

My daughter and I moved out of the family home into rental property we owned. Frank and I granted Title to each other treating the properties as of equal value. He stayed in the home I'd known for 8 years, the home we had made together, the home where we were living when our daughter was born. I moved to Sunnyvale to an Eichler 3 bedroom, 2 bath home in a nice section of town near where I went to high school, a very nice neighborhood, completely fenced and gated with cherry trees and eucalyptus surrounding the house. Karin now had neighbor children to occupy her free time. I found the house a bit 'dark'.

While the house was 'nice' and adequate for the two of us I longed for something 'lighter' in feel and more prestigious. I soon found the house on Metler Court with a large yard and swimming pool. Lots of light streaming into the southerly facing living room. Karin attended Harker Academy as a commuting student so neighborhood really didn't matter. This one was a good one however. Upper middle class Saratoga, children she could socialize with and definitely a neighborhood where property values would escalate. Since I had recently been promoted to my position as Fiscal Officer of the Department of Social Services I had the income to afford this new location.

Life was good. I met Albert and began a lifelong relationship with a gentle, thoughtful, respectful, loving younger man. Barriers to intimacy existed in the form of distance (both age and geographically). Albert introduced me to Puerto Rican cuisine, refreshed my ability to speak and understand the Spanish language I'd learned years before. Albert was a thoughtful and courageous lover and a great father figure for Karin. We still 'loved' each other when he came to an untimely end in 2004. There are emotional connections that never end, no matter what circumstances come along in the meantime. The sexual intimacy of our relationship lasted until 1978 when circumstances intervened and the 'green eyed monster' reared its ugly head. The last time I spent any time with Albert was 2003 in Susanville where I stayed overnight and cooked him a birthday dinner after tidying up his living quarters. He assured me that he had not cheated on me back in 1978 even though I truly believed he had and that he still had a great Love for me after all the years. By this time he was in a committed relationship with Pam, soon to become his 3rd wife and the Angel who took care of him as he died from a brain tumor.

The next romantic relationship I entered into was with a co-worker. Our relationship covered the period between 1978 and 1996 with bouts of separation because of a 2nd marriage and other love interests from time to time. It was a relationship of release and convenience. Rationally based yet loving in its own way. I must say that my time with him inspired a lot of poetry focusing on unrequited love. At the end of George's life we lived together briefly as the Lymphoma took over the disabling of his body and his brain.

I am a Serial Monogamist. While staying committed to one relationship at a time my relationships have not been enduring ones consuming my entire being. For the most part I can sustain an interest for 6 months to 3 years. There have been exceptions to that observation, however. While in a relationship I am fully involved and committed and tend to overlook the fatal flaws.

Bill and I met on a Photographic Field Trip sponsored by UCSC. The mutual attraction was almost immediate. Basically peers with like professional interests and each with a passion for photography we made a fairly compatible couple. Marriage was not to be the ultimate relationship. We tried it for a year but couldn't overcome the stress of merging 2 families, getting along with each others daughter, each others daily expectations. In spite of the fact that living together wasn't for us we maintained an on again off again relationship from 1979-2004. It was basically political differences that finally came between us. Our relationship had been platonic for 8 years and the stress of that finally got to him as well.

My focus in the 90s was Michael. A State Analyst visiting the County Program Coordinator in 1976, we met quite casually and made an instant connection. He was young and fascinated with my womanhood and my legs. I was surprised by his interest. It wasn't until 1990-1991 that we really got into each other. Racial differences were thrown aside and we actually considered marriage. He figured he could give me 5 years but his ultimate goal was to father a child and that was now out of the question for me. Being a relationship controlled by distance - Sacramento vs Saratoga, it wasn't an all consuming togetherness unless you talk about the mind connection. We are still close friends today and frequently talk about what could have been, what possibly should have been. The hope is still there that we can recapture that sweet and satisfying intimacy we once had.

Post Menopause and Age have really slowed down the pace of the Soap Opera. Still going for the geographical solutions by moving every few years but basically happy with no man in my life and still plenty of drama from other sources.

Loving Relationships

In our search for connectedness,
we find many options.
All are good, none are bad.

When the goal is companionship--
Non-committed dating.
Safe, exploratory, easy to escape.
Emotional intimacy with or without coupling.

When we're just not ready--
Transitional Relationship
Two people sharing a bus ride,
a brief journey to separate destinations.
Getting on and off at different points.
Sharing the advantages of commitment yet
bound by time.

Sexual Encounter--
for physical connectedness and release, for emotional pleasure, mirroring, validation. Two ships passing in the night.

Committed--
Serious stuff! For achieving life's goals, for making babies, nurturing others, for taking lifelong responsibility, for combining family groups, for accepting tradition.
© Patricia Shriver

I Don’t Remember

I have always felt a sense of deprivation regarding my childhood and yet I cannot remember specific examples to support my emotion beyond shoes that pinched and dresses that scratched without a slip or undershirt to wear with them.

There was always food, shelter, clothing, connection to an extended family, an employed father, a present mother.

Was it JUST not having everything I wanted?

Forty Five and Out of Control

It’s 1982, my 2nd marriage has failed, my mother has died, I’ve been laid off from my Insurance Company position and I’m hanging out at the Laundry Works for Monday Night Football.

It is my Mid-Life Crisis in Process.

Bill and I were married in the heat of passion in 1979. I justified a short courtship (3 weeks) with the observation that the 1st marriage hadn’t worked out even though Frank and I had known each other 5 years before getting married. The 1st 10 days of knowing Bill was in 24 hour close proximity at the UC Santa Cruz Southeast Utah Photographic Tour. I saw all his moods including the cranky immature acts, ate with him, drank with him, shared photographic challenges. WOW! The man was interesting and interested in me. I certainly thought this marriage would be forever and it was quite satisfying for about six months. Then the bickering started and the flaws magnified into major problems. Bill always blamed the failure on my daughter--while I held him accountable for his immaturity. In reality our personalities weren’t compatible and neither of us was willing to collaborate on adequate solutions. He moved out after a year giving me equal opportunity to participate in the decision making. We dated off and on with sometimes passionate intervals over the following years. 1982 was the year of our divorce. Neither of us totally walked away until 22 years later. Does that mean I can’t live happily with a man?

Mom suddenly became ill a year after she quit (cold turkey) both smoking and drinking. That year was one of the best in my memory where we all were able to relate to a sober mother. After surgery to remove a tumor on her Thymus, Mom was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis. It must have been there a long time as within a year she began having life threatening respiratory episodes. Her 1st hospitalization was in January for Respiratory Distress. And in February another doctor diagnosed the problem. Too late! Within a month her entire system had broken down, with a week of Hell as she lost immense quantities of blood due to internal bleeding, fought a raging infection due to her weakened condition and slipped into a Coma after realizing the seriousness of her medical issues. I spent the last hour of her life alone with her in ICU. Comforted by the ease of passing yet devastated at the loss of my 62 year old mother. This was a transitional event in my life. It would be 7 years and many hours of psychiatric therapy and Grief Work through Codependents Anonymous before I could finally let go and accept her death. The pivotal solution was a personal letter to my mother asking her forgiveness of my insensitivity.

Employee Benefits Insurance Company was generous with me as I grieved the loss of my mother. My staff there was fully supportive and even organized a blood drive for the 50 units of blood needed to get her through the night a week before she died. Six months later issues with my insecure Manager came to a head when the company was merged and the Accounting department was to be transferred to Connecticut. I was summarily laid off from my Supervisory position without warning on the day the changes were announced. No chance to say my goodbyes to staff. Although I had worked there for 3 years the job had not been a good fit. I moved on and into Municipal Finance where the next half of my Governmental Accounting career would take place (the first half being County Government as an auditor and then Finance Director at the Department of Social Services). They say job loss is a major stressor equal to death. I always considered this loss a blessing.

As for Football and the Laundry Works, this was a wild period I sometimes wish had not occurred even though ’Coach’ and JW became significant men in my life experience over the next decade. Under the influence of younger female friends (Evelyn and Beth) with more dating experience than I ever had, I watched as these virile men hit on each us with all the charm they could muster. I just wasn’t made for the casual relationships they offered. I learned a lot from the experience and the whole situation served to make Football watching much more engaging as I sipped the Bombay Gin and enjoyed the pheromones.

As I said, 1982 (the probable mid-point of my life) was a tough one.

Twenty and a Half and Married

We have been working up to it for five years and yet the day comes and I am terrified of the decision I am making.

Rushed to plan a wedding in one week -- make the dress -- meet with Dr Peterman -- write the marriage vows -- move permanently from the family home -- taking up the UNKNOWN!!!

Committed to the idea that Marriage is Forever, yet unfulfilled, controlled, by an Alien I hadn't anticipated. Too late! I've made my bed. I'll have to sleep in it.

Somehow we compromise, establish some joint goals, resolve our conceptual differences. Families are reluctantly merged even though frustrated by 'cultural' or 'social' differences in their approach to life structure and process.

Ultimately it doesn't work out.

Life moves on.

Unicorn

Climb upon my Unicorn
You and me we'll be
a sensual adventure
in the Land of Phantasy.

Our Guide is Intuition.
Our Goal is to be free.

The Unicorn will take us.

Come now, fly with me.

© Patricia Shriver

First Poetry of 1975

Ode to a Cowboy

He rides her gently, steadily through the night,
ascending peaks and pausing
to inhale the fresh, clean scent on Nature.

Their bodies have become as one,
moving with perfect coordination across the
gently rolling plateau.

He asks for nothing but willing cooperation
as they make their way through the night.

He tightens his thighs as they ascend another rise,
then gently leads her through the inevitable descent.

Her breath is white in the night's stillness.

He pauses to admire her strong, sure body.

Exhiliarated by his touch she responds again
as they make their way through Pleasure's Maze.

The moon falters, signalling the night's end. One last steady run before they bring it to a close.

Returning to the starting point, the time has come to put her aside. She waits like a docile animal unable to express her desire.

She trembles recalling the freedom of this night then turns to the ever-present demands of life.

© Patricia Shriver

Exercise 1: Memoir Writing

Exercise 1:

Where am I on the Lifeline? At the Crone years of my dotage, having fulfilled the stages of life -- Childhood, Adulthood, Marriage, Education, Parenthood, Profession, Divorce, Spiritual Conversion, Retirement, Enlightenment.

My 1st Marriage is the key event that created the person I am today. Dominance/submission, Control/struggle to survive, Dismissiveness/Self-esteem enough to break a weaker person.

My most significant moment was the birth of my only daughter. Joy, love, purpose, challenge, resolve to make this successful and different from my experience.

My most tragic moment was the death of my mother. Unresolved issues between us. This death came way too soon.

The Authentic Me: Feeling, Questioning, Analyzing, Creative, Artistic, Loving, BOUNDARIES, Self-Awareness, Cautious, Fearful, Independent, Fun-Loving, Curious, Spiritual.

ROAD TRIP, 1991, Inaugural Edition

Road Trip: the appeal of the open road. Drop everything -- pack the few essentials and get on the road at dawn. This has been the essence of my experience of the road. Excitement over the prospect of going and the goal of enjoying the adventure which culminates in the destination.

I've been traveling mostly alone, since 1991 when I took my new Ford F150 on a long drive from Saratoga, California, to Flagstaff, Oak Creek Canyon, Jerome, Prescott, Quartzite and Yuma, Arizona, and back through San Diego and up 101 to Buellton, Santa Ines, San Miguel and home. That was quite a memorable trip. I would have loved to visit Hopi Mesa, north of Flagstaff on the Hopi reservation but felt that a woman traveling alone shouldn't go to such remote areas. I would also have loved to visit Palm Canyon near Quartzite but it was down a gravel road in weather hot enough to melt the ice in the iced tea before you could even get back into the car and hit the road.

That was the year Michael stood me up on a trip to Ashland and since I had taken the time off work I was determined to make the most of my opportunity. It was pretty much a spontaneous decision to head for the Southwest on a 4th of July weekend.

I missed my Baptist friends, Diane and Jim as I arrived in Bakersfield on a Sunday evening. I had stopped at the Mission San Miguel for a Mass with a visiting priest who arrived when I did and hopped out of his MG in shorts and sandals with his robes packed in a valise. The message of the Homily 'Conquering Your Fears'. Well what else was this solitary trip all about? I spent that 1st night at a motel in Tehachapi and was able to watch I, Claudius on the TV. It was my passion at the time.

Across the desert, picnicking in the heat near Needles I continued on to Flagstaff. The motel here was 'trippy', Frontier furnishings with kitschy accessories. A Prime Rib dinner at the attached Tavern with live country music as my entertainment filled the night. Next day I shopped successfully in a Thrift Store in town and bought the music for a Requiem Mass that I still have not mastered and yet treasure in a warm way. I also visited the Indian Museum and bought a couple of Thomas Howell posters, one of which was signed by the artist. A favorite art style of mine to this day. Winding through Oak Creek Canyon I captured views of the river through the Cottonwood trees. Stopping at Jerome I took a trail uphill to St John the Baptist Catholic Church. Sitting near the altar was the bloody plaster head of John the Baptist! Startling worship practices to say the least. A very primitive ambience here. Next stop Prescott where I found a centrally located Motel within shouting distance of the Fairgrounds.

Prescott was extremely hot, with temps of 102 as I ate my Navajo Taco on the lawn of the town square and listened to the music of the Pioneer Festival celebration. Two days of genealogical research were eked out here at the Sharlot Hall Museum which has a 'Family File - Millers and Carsons'. As I recall my dinner that night was Muenster Cheese and Santoro Beer. Breakfast in Prescott was an ice cream cone after strolling unsuccessfully through the Pioneer Cemetery looking for John Jacob Miller's gravestone. The cemetery is not that well maintained.

And Yuma!!! almost impossible to breathe when the temperature is 104 at breakfast and there is no shade or moisture in sight with the possible exception of the lawn of the Museum where a nymph dances in the lawn sprinklers. I had a marvelous Chinese dinner at the Restaurant attached to the motel and watched the 4th of July fireworks from my motel room window. Next day the Quartermaster Barracks were stark, depressing yet interesting and visiting the Information Center I found a historical tract featuring my Great Grandfather, Samuel C. Miller, in an article about wagon freighting in Arizona. I also received instruction about dehydration in the Southwest when the volunteer at the center noted my flushed complexion.

Coming home I explored I-8 for the first time with its board road across the dunes. Reaching Mission San Diego de Alcala as the wedding photographer began his outdoor shoot, I captured a bride and her bridsmaids dressed in a a bright Scarlet the color of the bougainvilleas draping the Mission. It was a fitting point of interest in an otherwise postcard shot of the Mission.

I visited California Missions along the way: San Juan Capistrano with its swallows, San Buenavertura, Santa Barbara, La Purissima and Mission Santa Ines. I attended Mass at Santa Ines in the clothes I collapsed in the night before with my hair still wet from the basin sink shampoo when I was reluctant to use the motel shower in Buellton. $80 for a crummy motel when I could have slept in the back of the pickup but didn't feel brave enough to do so. One last stop at Mission San Miguel before a meal at Keefers Restaurant in King City and on to my own bed for the night.

Exhiliarated by the success of the first road trip, I have followed on with annual trips for the past 20 years. Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Montana all got a piece of me left behind. Mountain, desert, lake, river, wildlife, flora and geology all attract me. Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes with a companion, sometimes with the dogs and once with a CAT!!! I believe I could write an entire book about Living on Dog Time, Traveling with Dogs, Selecting Your Travel Companion, Things to Do and See for the Open Minded Eclectic.