Michael

He entered my consciousness quietly enough, a tall, dark, handsome Professional. A Program Analyst assigned to monitor Santa Clara County’s compliance with Program regulations. His main contact was the county’s program manager. He wanted to meet the Finance Officer.

As we sat in my office I was semi conscious of his interest. I had fantastic legs and they caught his eye right away. I remember him asking “where do you go to dance“. My response, “How could I possibly know that? I am a Mother.”

One night he waited for me to exit the building. Before he could approach me I walked over and chatted then told him I was carpooling with Jean and needed to get along. He never got out the invitation for dinner and/or a drink but now I at least knew he had an interest in me.

I seem to attract shy men who just can’t say what it is they want. And, if Michael had declared his interest at that time I might have rebuffed him anyway. I was quite slow about getting my head around a relationship with him. Although I had already crossed the color line with Albert I wasn’t sure I could handle an interracial relationship.

Another time he called me at home from Sacramento. I had not given him my phone number. He asked about coming down to see me. I went along with the plan then drug it out and didn’t give him my address or directions to my house.

On his monthly visits to the County and at my CWDA meetings in Sacramento we saw each other over lunch, dinner and drinks. Finally in 1979 I was hooked. His eyes, his mind, his interest all charmed me into acceptance of the idea I wanted a sexual relationship with this younger man. As we ‘made out’ in my room at the Sacramento Inn I pushed it a step further and we consummated our relationship. 30 years later I remember all the details, what we said to each other, the perfect fit and pleasure of that brief denouement.

A brief (one year) marriage to Bill then I was no longer working for the County. I sent Michael a letter and the game of seduction was once again ON. Our furnaces were still stoked but the relationship moved along platonically with lots of flirting on the phone and wishing we lived closer to each other. Neither of us was interested in a long distance relationship. An occasional dinner here or there (El Torito in Concord, his favorite café in Sacramento), his attendance at my annual Christmas Party in 1982 and finally an overnight visit to his home in Sacramento in 1986 where we reacquainted ourselves with each other’s bodies. The sex was always HOT and satisfying but wasn’t enough to bring us together for the bigger picture.

Michael invited me to vacation with him in Hawaii -- I wasn’t up to the idea of going. I invited him to go with me to Ashland -- Michael had other commitments. Playing at a relationship but never really getting down to business.

Then the 90s rolled around. Each of us was finally ready to declare our feelings for each other after a mere 10+ years of skirting the issue. We saw each other often enough to convince me I wanted a 3rd husband. We discussed it in view of the larger picture - his ultimate goals and my immediate situation (career and family commitments). We set aside the intensity of our feelings for each other and followed separate paths, even though the attraction has never waned.

Our last intimate moments occurred in 1995 when Michael visited me in Los Gatos as I was packing to move from the Townhouse and into an RV. We toured San Juan Bautista and had a delicious meal at a Mexican Restaurant before returning to my bed for another memorable night that will last a lifetime for me.

A few years later he called to let me know he was getting married. He would finally have the child he wanted. That marriage is now a thing of the past.

From time to time we see each other, recall what we had (or didn’t have) and consider releasing the lust to take us where it will. In 1997, 2004 and 2007 I had excuses. The issue of mutual desire really didn’t come up in 2009. And even though the ‘plan’ is for us to rendezvous in Mendocino in 2010 I wonder if it will happen at all.

Has this relationship with Michael been just a romanticized, overblown fantasy for both of us?